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GMS Conversation HelpIf you find yourself losing interest in the conversation, see if you can clarify for yourself why you are losing interest, and consider sharing your answer with the group. Odds are, others in your conversation are feeling the same way. This simple act could help the whole group re-engage at a new, more authentic level of conversation, making the experience more interesting and rewarding for everyone. If you cannot express the reason "why" right away, be patient. Recall the commitment you made when you first joined the conversation (see the Conversation Agreements) What's important is to stay engaged, rather than simply leaving. Staying engaged keeps the conversation in a learning mode. Leaving the conversation removes the opportunity for learning to occur. Staying engaged is part of the discipline of learning to live in a global community. I feel uncomfortable with this conversation because it is too...
If you are feeling uncomfortable with the tone, style or direction of the conversation, one of the first things you can do is share your discomfort with the group. Others may share your feeling, and this can lead to a valuable dialogue for everyone. It's also helpful to ask yourself why you are feeling uncomfortable. People can become uncomfortable with a conversation for different and often opposite reasons. For example, one may find a conversation friendly and safe, while another finds the same conversation shallow and lacking in integrity. The work of psychiatrist Carl Jung (and the basis of the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator), is one model that can help us understand why we respond the way we do, and provides a framework for learning to see things from another perspective - a critical skill for building global community. The following (brief!) summary is based on a description from the book "Experiment in Depth" by P.W. Martin. Jung's model starts with two major personality types:
And four basic functions:
For complete perception, says Jung, intuition and sensation are necessary; for complete judgment, thinking and feeling are necessary. According to Jung, everyone has all four of these functions, but at various stages of development or consciousness. When unconscious, the function:
When conscious, the function:
For Jung, the practical application of this system is that the functions that are unconscious "pile up on the other side of consciousness and seep out in uncontrollable ways." Jung believed that it is on the side of the undeveloped or unconscious functions that "the problems of life accumulate." Being aware of our "developed and undeveloped" functions can help us understand why we find certain people and styles of communication congenial or uncongenial. It can also help us engage creatively with a variety of people and situations. Rather than being a pain and someone or something to avoid, experiencing our "opposite" way of functioning can become interesting to us - a teacher that can help us make unconscious aspects of ourselves more conscious. So, if you find this conversation uncongenial, consider asking yourself if this situation offers an opportunity to access and exercise your less developed areas of functioning. The result could be a greater capacity to engage with and enjoy life in all its many manifestations! If you feel intimidated, it may be because you think that others in the conversation have thought more about these issues than you have. Or perhaps it's because they express themselves so well in the written word. Whatever the reason, it's important to remember that each person's thoughts and insights are of unique value. There are more than 6 billion people on the planet, and that means there are more than 6 billion different perspectives. No one sees things quite the way you do, and when you express your views, you help all of us see the world just a little more clearly. And that is a gift to everyone. And while you may not have thought much about these issues before, you still bring 13.7 billion years of experience to the table. What you have to say matters! The conversation has lost momentum! If your conversation appears to be losing momentum, it's helpful to know that not every conversation "takes off" or "flies the same pattern." Some start strong and end strong, while others start strong and end weak, or start weak and end strong, or start weak and end weak! Sometimes, all it takes to get a conversation rolling again is a little nudge. This can be in the form of posting a note saying you're noticing it has gotten slow, reminding everyone of the conversation agreements, or asking the group what can be done to re-invigorate the conversation. You might also suggest the conversation host contact the participants to encourage them to re-engage, if he or she has not already done so. It is not unusual for people to get busy and simply forget to check in. If none of these help and the conversation essentially comes to a halt, sign up for a new session. Every session is different, and odds are the new one will be more active. I feel ignored/angry/offended/ misunderstood/judged/hurt! Every time two or more people get together, a conflict at some point is inevitable. What triggers a conflict is subjective and personal, but the fundamental cause appears to be universal: we feel hurt. And when we feel hurt we feel vulnerable, and when we feel vulnerable we often want to leave. Do everything you can to not leave. Many of the world's problems can be traced to an unwillingness to face and resolve our conflicts creatively. If together we can demonstrate what creative conflict resolution looks like, we will be making a huge contribution to the emerging global community. Resolving Conflicts As already indicated, we have found in these conversations that the most important thing when experiencing conflict is to not withdraw. Staying engaged, even if angry or hurt, builds trust, and trust, it seems, is more important to a relationship than agreement on any particular issue, value system or style of communication. With trust in place, the conflict is often seen in new, more manageable light. Then keep in mind that we all have a filter through which we perceive the world, largely based on our individual experiences. These filters render an interpretation of an event that is subjective and personal, and may or may not reflect the intention of the other person or people involved. Exploring the conflict from the perspective of our filters and the experiences that helped formed them can help us become more aware of these filters and how they shape our perception. Then consider sharing what you are learning from the conflict in a way that does not blame the other person for your feelings. If you can relate your reaction back to your personal experiences, the other parties to the conflict have a better chance of understanding your frame of reference. It is often at the level of personal experience where we find our common ground as human beings. For more information that can be helpful in responding creatively to conflict, see the response to the help menu topic titled, "I feel uncomfortable with this conversation because it is too... For a more in-depth exploration of the role of conflict in our personal and collective evolution, consider joining the conversation titled "Cycle of Emergence." People are just stating what they think and not really listening to others! If people are doing a lot more talking than listening or asking questions of others, the reason is often this: They have come to the conversation with "THE ANSWER" or "AN AGENDA" and a fervent desire to share that answer or agenda with everyone else until WE GET IT. This is normal. If you think you have found something of great value, it is natural to want to share it with others. But it can also inhibit the flow of the conversation, putting up a wall to new thoughts and ideas, and preventing new synergies of thought to emerge. If this is happening in your conversation, kindly reflect back to that person the impact you see his or her behavior is having on the conversation. You might consider asking what would take for that person to be able to stop "teaching" or "promoting" and start "listening." Sometimes people to keep steering a conversation toward their own agenda when they do not feel they've been heard. If that is the case, you might ask them what it would take for them to feel heard. You may also want to consider asking people in your conversation to read "The Art of Listening" article, which can be found under the Resources Tab. It does a great job articulating the value of being a good listener - which in our online environment means really taking in what people have written. The posts are too long - I cannot keep up! In some ways, this is a nice problem to have. It shows that people are very engaged! Nevertheless, in an online environment like this, numerous and long posts can inhibit communication. It's simply too difficult to take in too much of the written word. Also, people generally lead very busy lives. If they come to a conversation and see "100 Unread Posts," odds are they will not want to continue. Feeling "behind" in a conversation like this only adds more stress to lives that are probably stressed enough as it is! Mark Twain once said, "I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead." Encourage all participants to be disciplined in their entries; to take the time to be concise. You might even consider asking people to voluntarily accept a word limit to each post. You can make a game of it, so that it becomes a fun challenge. As a last resort, it may be there are just too many people in your conversation. The host has the tools to break the conversation into two different groups, should that be needed. |
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